We all do it. Whether you have been running ten miles a day for the last fifteen years, or took a yoga class for a week and never went back, we love to talk about our workout routines.
Maybe it’s a primal thing. We feel the need to puff out our chests and prove to those around us that we are stronger, superior, and able to fend someone off if they tried to steal our bananas, or whatever.
Maybe it’s pride. We live in an age of sore butts from sitting in front of screens for twelve hours a day. It feels good to tell all those lazy slobs how you stood up for a full forty-five minutes to walk in place on a machine while watching TLC.
Whatever the case, I guarantee that every one of your close friends knows your workout routine, how many times a week, how many pounds you’ve lost, and how jacked you are now (as displayed with vigorous flexing and possibly an arm wrestle).
As much as we love to talk about it, we love even more to lie about it. I’m not talking about adding a few extra pounds to your sets in conversation or saying you’re on the way to the gym after work, then going home and napping on the couch.
No, I mean the kind of lies we don’t even realize we’re telling.
I’m doing this for me
If you are unhealthy, ill, or otherwise severely impacted by your sedentary lifestyle and turn to exercise to better the state of your life, then yes, you may very well be doing this for you.
For a lot of us, though, this is not our situation. We are in a healthy weight range and get the recommended daily exercise, so why do we add two-a-days? Or a couple extra miles to our runs? Or join team #nodaysoff?
There are a billion articles on societal body standards, so I’m not going to bother going into it (also, it’s too depressing for a blog about nonsense), but let’s just call it like it is. You’re doing it because someone told you to.
Not me! I just want to feel confident when I look in the mirror.
But why don’t you feel confident now? Hint: Because a million people told you not to.
I promise that one-year-old you did not stand in front of the mirror, grab their thigh rolls and say, “Ugh, no more Cheerios for me. I’m going to be on the elliptical all weekend.”
I just work out so I can eat whatever I want
Stop telling everyone that you run 5 miles a day because you just really love pizza. You know damn well that when you go out to lunch with your co-workers you’re going to order the kale salad with kale croutons and kale dressing.
That pepperoni pizza looks delicious and tempting, but then you start counting the calories and remembering the article you just read about the dangers of processed meats, all while looking across the counter at the new intern who can’t weigh more than one-hundred pounds.
So you get your sad salad and spend the afternoon with a rumbling stomach, wishing you had gotten the pizza.
Nobody cares if you eat the pizza and nobody cares if you don’t, so just be honest. Better yet, don’t talk about it at all.
I just really love a healthy lifestyle
Wonderful things: Tanning in the sun for hours, watching ten episodes of Parks and Recreation, sitting in a hot tub until you turn into a delirious raisin, and closing down a bar after way too many mixed drinks.
Terrible things: one-hundred-meter repeats, leg day, 4:00 am runs, wearing a cotton shirt to kickboxing, Sunday meal prep, and chaffing. Oh my god, chaffing.
Sure, you feel amazing when you finish a workout, but you can’t tell me that while you’re halfway up a hill sprint in 85°F weather or your legs are shaking at the bottom of your sumo squat, that there isn’t one thing you would rather be doing.
Other wonderful things: Oreo’s, Lucky Charms, orange juice, piña coladas, soda, Krispy Kreme doughnuts, cheese curds, ice cream, Spaghettios, cupcakes, McDonalds french fries, mac and cheese.
Now, I’m not saying you have to like all of these (I know Spaghettios are a non-starter for most, I get that), but I just will not believe that you would rather munch on a carrot than bite into a warm Pillsbury chocolate chip cookie.
We love how a healthy lifestyle make us feel (and it doesn’t hurt our waistlines either) but that doesn’t mean we suddenly stop loving everything bad for us.
Sometimes bad feels good too.
If I go one day without working out, I feel incomplete.
Go out for a drink with a friend. I promise it will fill that gaping hole in your life.
Yuck, I just hate eating processed sugar. It makes me feel SO gross.
But was it delicious? Don’t bother answering, I know it was.
Alright, maybe this isn’t something you say, but gym selfies might be the biggest lie of them all.
We would love for everyone to believe that we walked up to the mirror, snapped a quick pic, and carried on pumping insane amounts of iron.
The truth is, gym selfies are a full-on photo shoot, filled with strained flexing and constant rotation to find the angle that makes your stomach look flat and your biceps look Dwayne Johnson-y. It’s tough work considering you have to find the perfect pose, hold it, and try to take a picture before anyone sees you standing there.
You find that your muscles are more sore from this ridiculous display than from the actual workout you just completed.
Then, you have to come up with some clever caption to put along with this photo, because posting a photo of your beefy, hunky self for no reason would be too douchey (you know, because no one knows that’s what you’re doing). So you have to add a little something extra like;
Showing them you are so heroic and dedicated:
Only got two hours of sleep, still in the gym though #nodaysoff
Being so, totally relatable:
Excited to go to Miami next week. Gotta get beach ready, am I right ladies???
Or you can go the philosophical route because you’re 24-years-old and have a six pack:
“Follow your passion, be prepared to work hard and sacrifice, and, above all, don’t let anyone limit your dreams.” Moving towards my goals #blessed #workhard
We can post whatever we want, but we know that all of us have belly rolls when we sit, our arms look like noodles when we’re not flexing, and abs are just a mistake that happens sometimes when we forget to eat lunch.