How to Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day

Tell everyone this is the day of your people because you’re 1/16th Irish

“My great, great, great grandmother’s best friend’s illegitimate love child was Irish.”


Put green food dye in frickin’ everything

Because who doesn’t want to dive into a plate of green spaghetti?


Wear a douchy St. Patrick’s day themed shirt

It definitely isn’t offensive and doesn’t reduce an entire group of people to a bunch of drunk perverts.


Get completely hammered in honor of a patron saint

I’m sure the Catholic bishop is smiling down from heaven at you honoring him by throwing up green in the alley behind a dive bar.


Lose your shit when they play a song with fiddles at the bar and start trying to Irish jig

“Oh my god! I have no idea what this song is, but it sounds Irish as hell. Watch me dance!”


Pinch people for not wearing green, you know, because that’s not annoying and violating

Because people love being touched, especially to cause pain.


Say “They’re after me Lucky Charms” in a terrible, slurred accent

If you’re drunk and don’t attempt an Irish accent using the only Irish icon your American brain can think of, did you even really celebrate St. Patty’s?


Paint your face and/or body with shamrocks or the Irish flag

People won’t be able to tell that you’re aren’t pale as printer paper and have zero freckles if you’re covered in paint.


Bring a treat into work with green sprinkles and send out a mass email with a glittery GIF

“Happy St. Patrick’s Day! Let’s celebrate with cupcakes! On the filing cabinet next to my cube!”Happy-St-Patrick-Day-3D-Picture

Now put on those green beads and head to the parade, you crazy leprechaun.





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